SPORTS PSYCHOLOGISTS at BookieBusters

SPORTS PSYCHOLOGISTS

Psychiatrists, or "trick cyclists" as they are more popularly known, seem to have an increasing influence on sporting events and the competitors taking part in them.

I have a healthy, or maybe unhealthy depending on your viewpoint, mistrust of the squadrons of head shrinks that have descended on the sporting world trying to convince everyone that they are all world-beaters.

They somehow remind me of wartime preachers telling each faction that God was on their side when obviously it couldn’t be both, or either, for that matter.

This lot seem to be trying to convince all and sundry that the power of the mind is all that’s needed to turn an average sportsperson into a world-class athlete.

What a load of bollox! We all know that a positive mental attitude is an ingredient most successful athletes have in their make-up, but to suggest that it's the be-all and end-all of the process of winning is a load of tosh.

It’s amazing how many athletes have bought into the psychobabble that these vultures churn out. Witness the interview Judo silver medallist Kate Howey did with Steve Cram in Sydney shortly after winning her medal in the Olympic Games.

The bold Steve asked Kate how much of her sport was down to what goes on in the mind, and how much was brute strength. She incredibly replied that it was 99% mental. Mental is right, but not in the way she meant. How ludicrous to suggest that it’s all about belief in your own success that separates winners from losers. Poor Kate doesn’t even seem to realise her own talents.

Can you imagine the wimp from the Mr Muscle adverts who couldn’t bruise a grape, squaring up to Mike Tyson and all he has to do is believe he will win? He would have a long time to think about the error of his ways from the comfort of his hospital bed after Iron Mike put his lights out.

This is the type of nonsense these sickologists churn out.

Now call me cynical if you like, but isn’t it true that the real psychology is in convincing sports people that the services of the shrinks is indispensable? That’s the real magic.

You can bet your last penny they don’t come cheap, and it seems as if they have got people queuing up to consult them. Well I’m here to tell everyone that they don’t need these expensive solutions to their attitude problems.

Welcome to Dr Joe Jackson’s attitude adjustment clinic for winners. Roll up, roll up, it’s free, simple, and guaranteed to work 99.99999% of the time.

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To gain an advantage if you are a female beach volleyball player, all that’s needed is the skimpiest costume possible and that will surely get the crowd on your side and result in a better performance.

No one can argue that the girls with the finest figures get the most enthusiastic support from the crowd, so I would suggest skipping training and getting over to your local plastic surgeon for an implant of the biggest jugglies you can afford to buy.

In the rowing events I suggest that any woman who is offended by the term "coxless pairs" has enough to worry about, because if it’s not evident from their appearance that they are in fact without cox, then trouble is surely afoot. My solution here is again simple.

A tight pair of shorts, or gusset grippers as we lads call them, would surely end the debate once and for all, and allow the rowers to concentrate on their event without worrying about what people think of their physique.

In weightlifting, an aggressive attitude is called for and this is one instance where a competitor’s coach could have an important role to play. There’s no need for a long winded dissertation on psychology before a lift. A simple whisper in the lifter’s ear that their opponents are only toying with them would surely spur them on to greater things.

The promise of some raw liver as a reward might have an effect too.

In boxing the old methods are probably the best. Tell a fighter that his opponent has been screwing his wife and watch him perform wonders.
Are you beginning to get my drift? There’s no need for complex solutions to simple problems.

It remains to be seen whether any sportsman or woman gives credit for their success to their counselor, but if they do, I suggest they get themselves booked up for a de-programming session as quickly as possible.

I’m off to see my psychiatrist later today, he says that I’m almost over the burnt toast trauma from my childhood and we should start working on the burst yolk egg incident. With any luck I’ll be cured by the time I’m 95.

Get a life.